My floating heart
by Stranded With Plums
Summary: Jd and Perry...need I say more.


I own nothing-no Scrubs, no Natalie Imbruglia, nothing.

My floating heart

_"You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room....I saw you crawling towards the door." Natalie Imbruglia-Smoke_

I see you clearly through the crowd of ill and wandering eyes, knowing that somewhere deep down you see me too-even though you have chosen to greet my face with your back for the majority of our shift. You avoid my gaze and in turn have alleviated the pressure associated with feeling anything when it comes to me. I want nothing more than for you to throw out some sort of lifeline, be it covered in lies or freeing truthfulness. I don't care which, I just desperately need some sort of response from you, but I know that receiving such precious gifts are rare indeed. Hope guards my heart, but subsequently that very same heart appears to be floating within my hands, waiting for you reach out and take it-to own it as you should. This you'll never do. I am forced to pick up and move on with my day, though sad as can be.

"Room 108 needs another cbc and an IV bag switch."

You bark these orders as if my ears have never heard of such things before, but rest assured I have _heard_ them many times, but just not in the tone which you address me now. I have also taken note in the absence of my name-Newbie. You can't even bare to spare me just one glance, it's just simply too much to ask.

"Okay," I mutter to absolutely no one and I know that you're not listening to me when I break the silence again with a girlish cry. I struggle to keep the tears rimmed within my eyes, but it's no use for they soon fall after your quick retreating footfalls, calling in vain for the one that has caused them. It's nothing, but then again...it's _you._

"Hey there Mr.," pausing to catch the name of the poor soul who has earned the temporary right to call bed 108 his home, "Mr., ah, Mr. Terrington. How are those kidneys doing?"

Jovial at first in my attempt to calm an already sensitive situation, I find my attitude improving with every EKG beep and conscious word that the patient says, but as I conduct my questioning further, I succumb to the previous feeling of numbness. You are, as always, a permanent fixture in the back of my mind. Even in your physical absence, I am still baited by your ghost, an inner turmoil causing such unrest that I fear I might actually throw up this time.

"Okay, well, I'm gonna get a nurse to switch out your IV bag and take some more blood for safe measure," I smile compassionately before adding, "Now don't go anywhere."

My body flees from the room in a doctoral fashion and damn my head for not following suit for you have magically placed yourself in front of me. Our tragic crash only serves to hasten your ever growing hatred for me. I am unable to deter my eyes away from that look on your face. Your blue eyes ice over and for the first time in all of my waking moments, I wish for blindness to take over me so that I can be spared your cold indifference.

"I...." I trail off like some bumbling idiot, but words lack so much when I all I want to do is show you what I am feeling. Saying it would somehow sugarcoat my pain and I want you to know what seven kinds of hell that you're putting me through right now. Still, I opt for an alternative route. My signature doe eyes plead with yours. I search, eager to find some sign of life, but you stare over my head as you _walk_ around me. You actually take the time to go out of your way so that you don't have to touch me. Am I that sickening to you? I really do wonder, but if I ask I risk certain emotional death and for now wondering is all I can handle.

"Carla, I'm taking a few minutes. If anyone needs me I'll be in the break room," I manage to get out as I run past her. She asks no questions and I can sense that she knows my final destination is no longer the break room, but rather the rooftop-and no, I am not going to throw myself to my untimely death. There are some things in this world worth fighting for and surviving this nightmare is one of them.

I burst the door open, out of breath, and shaking slightly from all of the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I am alone. Perfect. I carry myself a few inches farther towards the edge of the building and shoot my gaze down onto the ground below. People of all kinds file in and out at the hospital entrance. It is here that I allow my mind to go idle, my thoughts breaking away from consciousness. My breathing settles at a slow pace, but regardless of my current state, I still feel my knees give way. I begin to heave in sighs of agony, my insides scream for a comfort that up until this point has somehow alluded me. I slide down the side of the wall, sobbing as my hands clutch at the collar of my shirt. I pull and tug uncontrollably, I can't figure out if I am actually trying to rip my shirt in half or strangle myself with it. All attempts to get up from the ground remain futile-so I cry even harder, in fact so hard that my eyes now hurt from the release of tears.

I hear the faint whisper of a noise upon the wind, one that gets louder with every second. I dare to name it, but from what I can tell, I would say that at this moment I am no longer alone. I open my red and swollen eyes so that I can identify the intruder. _You_. I blink a few times to clear my vision, but to my dismay you still appear before me. I notice that as you assess my whimpering form, your features continue to soften ever so slightly.

"Dr. Cox, I....I came up here for a few minutes of fresh air. I gotta get back now," I try to sound calm and intact, but the facade quickly fades into real panic. I still can't get myself up from the concrete. My legs are too weak and my stomach flips its way into nausea.

"Sssorry," I choke out. I am so screwed.

I begin to scrunch away the fresh tears with my fingers as you sit down next to me. I react with newfound vigor, staring deep into your eyes. I can tell that you know. You realize half of the blame belongs with you, that I was badly burned by your harshness. I recognize the acknowledgement of these things in your eyes. This is when you do something completely unexpected: you put your arm around me. I understand that this act of unseen emotion is your apology and I accept it wholeheartedly. Leaning into your side, I bury the right side of my face into your chest. Your breathing stills a mere second or two, but resumes a moment later as if it had never faltered at all.

I find you so close and yet the distance is still too vast between us so I recede further into your chest. My arms gather around your neck, hands holding on tight for fear that you might run away from me again. Sensing my need of you, I am tightly captured against you by your safe arms. One hand caresses my face, while the other rubs my back and arm. I begin to cry again, but you don't berate me for it, instead you put your cheek to the top of my head and allow me to rid myself of all the pain.

Unfortunately, my beeper signals the end of our time together up on the roof. Inwardly cursing the interruption, I regrettably untangle myself from your warmth. Finding my balance, I meet your gaze, one that is riddled with mass confusion because at the most you want so desperately to see me as no more than a shadow within the confines of your existence, but I have defied your laws of gravity and have risen in importance over time.

My beeper once again echoes its warning into my ears and I am forced to leave you alone...to think. So before I take my final bow upon this stage, I test the waters.

"Dr. Cox," I smile slightly and await your reaction.

Your eyes squint in response to the formal name I have bestowed upon you, but you quickly correct my fatal error.

"Perry...JD."

Dumbfounded, my brain recites the request to call you Perry and then your vocalization of my real name in tiny flashbacks. Honestly, I am bubbling over with happiness, but there is no time to celebrate as I race downstairs back into the awaiting arms of the hospital I so dearly call home. I can only hope that I will soon be able to give you this heart that floats so serenely within my hands. But for now, this very same hope will guard my heart until you are ready to take it.

The End

I have no clue where this came from. I just was up late and couldn't sleep so I thought I'd write. Gotta love that muse! lol


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